I use to think I was doing myself such a huge disservice to remember. Although I knew I couldn’t withdraw the memories I made nearly all my life, I could at-least force myself to not think about them, to not reminisce.

Or I could at least try yunno.

It’s like I went from one extreme to the next, every other day, some days still.

Like one moment I’m in this body trying to force myself to partake in activities that once fueled the life I use to live, thinking maybe that will make me feel whole again, if I could just prove to myself and others IM STILL ME ! (whoever that was).

Then the next I’m erasing every memory of me standing praying God just keeps me sane enough to carry on while trying to forget. Forgetting how sand feels in between my toes, how eagerly and tenaciously I would run during track meets, or bringing the ball up the court, cheering for Coach Williams and jumping out of 2nd floor windows just cause.

How does one trade in such an active lifestyle for one that makes you take it one step at a time, without loosing their freaking shit !!! How does one witness the people that use to follow me, now push me across Tehran I once ran through. How, How, How? When does the rollercoaster stop ! When can I get off the ride of strolling down memory lane? How can one forget? Or simply remember without feeling the weight of the world on shoulders I can no longer carry such thoughts on. My heart seems to be bleeding in one life, yet it’s sealed and overwhelmingly grateful in another.

It’s like I’m taping in and taping out, all while trying to be the best of what God Created me to be with little to no understanding of how.

One day I know it all, I’m content, I’m okay, yunno ? The next I’m balling behind closed doors wishing I could throw my niece on my back and run, Jump and climb the highest mountain.

I use to think it was ungrateful to my new life to reminisce of my old one, but now that I really stop to collect such thoughts it’s really because it hurt too much. Like why couldn’t I be me, this beautiful being that I’ve graduated too, standing up? I can’t stay there too long as I’m here now.

But it hurts some days, still.

Which is why I say little of my past, because I’m such a person of doing and speaking of things in which I can control, but sometimes as I’m surrounded by everything that brings back what I use to be fully capable of, I feel more crippled mentally then physically, cause I can’t shake the feeling of feeling.

Feeling like what life will fully be like, once the rollercoaster comes to a Halt, will it ever, will I always be stuck in between the two, knowing I have no control of either.

Will I always be in the middle of what if and what is?

Will I ever be satisfied for more than a few days or weeks time, without the memory of what my life could’ve been?

I pray so.

I want to get off. I’m happy right? I love my job, my car, my in-dependability and all the tangible and intangible things I’ve been able to accumulate, in this body, even still,

like I’m okay right?

Most days I don’t know, I don’t rest in those thoughts long enough to figure that out, but what I do know is the closer I get to him….

Ooohhhh,

the more he makes me feel.

The closer I keep God to me, the more at ease I feel in all the chaos. All the questions just seem to fade and a stillness just fills me. So, I’ll just keep him close, close enough to never question who he’s called me to be, and even closer for me not to question how I had to arrive here.

My prayer is that in these unprecedented times we just all stay close, and just remember to breathe. Day by day, hand and hand with our father, who is too our friend and everything else in between.

It was a time I would’ve cried writing this, but today no tear formed. This is simply just my truth, and even on this rollercoaster, knowing it’s guiding me home, makes all the difference. It makes it all okay. I don’t need to know when, why or where it’s leading me, or how I had to get here, because WHO IS leading me beyond my control gives me a peace that surpasses all understanding. Stay close. Some memories will never fade, but I don’t wish them to.

No tears today, just some hard truths, Surrounded in love, and wrapped up in GODS will. As It is all well in my soul.

What are some hard truths you can’t forget, or memories you don’t want to remember that are shaping who you are today? How do you handle them? Have you come to terms with what is vs. what if + what was, or are you fighting the waves of life so eager to remain who you were?

Don’t you know who he’s called you to be, weather you’ve wrapped your head around it, is so much more than who you sometimes even want to be. Do you truly understand he sees the BIGGER picture as we sit low while him high. Do you understand your purpose UP OR DOWN, is a call you can’t decline, and going against the grain of the life he’s called you to will keep you exactly where you are?

Do you really understand, at least enough to drop your perspective for a second and let his take place

or

Will life have to keep beating you upside the head for you to finally get it enough to take his hand, and drop your ego.

What has to happen for him to have his permanent position in your life ?

What’s moving up some cooperate ladder if not with Gods approval? What is money if it isn’t gained in ways in which he gets the Glory? What’s fun or entertaining a lifestyle that the internet deems successful if you haven’t asked GOD what version of success has he deemed over your life? What’s “being me” if not OF Him?

NOTHING !

He knows me better than I know myself, and you too. He orders my steps not I. I don’t have time to live in between all the questions, and

Yes!

maybe some days I get stuck in the middle, torn between the two, and I just need a hug or words of reassurance.

And YES!

many days I dont understand things that catapulted me here and the vision gets blurry so I just need clarity of it all.

That’s okay!

But rest assure, That’s all today is. A moment, one I’ll merely remember if not for writing this excerpt. One I’ll move pass while GOD is teaching me I don’t have to forget the memories along the way. I don’t have to sit with my thoughts when I can express them to him. I just can’t dwell in a space he’s led me from, and for hell of good reason might I add.

I wouldn’t go back.

EVER, not in my sane mind Atleast.

So Please don’t get this entry twisted,

but yes I do have commune with him about the things on my heart and you should too. Because, He’s answering me right now! In a way my ears can hear his voice. Reconfirming what all this is for. How it had to happen y’all, as it’s so much bigger than me, us.

Move when the Holy Spirit says move, tired, angry, with no understanding hell if you got to crawl, just GO, JUMP.

Just Do. Please, the answers lie right in between your curiosity of what is and what was.

Just don’t stay there.

I was so sleepy when I started talking to him and writing this. Holy Spirit said turn over and pour your heart out NOW. Through your gift, that just so happens to be your love language, grab your pen and let go, because as you release you give space for others to do the same. Im literally doing all In one right now, in real time.

Im giving GOD the realest version of me, I’m attempting to pour into you all the while he’s coincidently refilling me through what I do best, writing.

I feel so full right now.

I just needed to let it out. In a way I can appreciate.

Healthily.

Because you can’t move forward while looking back. You can’t keep doing the same things that you did in the adolescent stage to forget when that’s not what he’s asking of you.

Drinking, smoking, sex, or just entertaining ultimately the things that once were, will never get you to this place of peace, or solace. It will only kill the optimum version of yourself. You’ll be like the walking dead, trying to self medicate in hopes of grasping a moment of forgetting, all the while Memories are there to remember.

Yet we must release them onto our father who’s able to carry all our burdens.

So, Talk to the one who’s leading, he’ll answer you in ways you could’ve only imagined. May not be face to face, but he speaks and when he speaks he speaks BOLDLY. He opens doors I couldn’t have thought I’d be walking through. So talk to em. OG can handle all your questions, concerns and hearts desires. He put them there ! They’re fueling you to who he has always called of you to be. GOD is strategically successful in all things and has a way of making us unaware of what he’s doing in our lives while simultaneously doing it. So when we think we’re not moving as we’re hurting knocking heavens door down asking why, the tenacious waves of life is just pushing us all the more closer to him.

Even when it hurts.

And truly, out of all the places I’ve been in the world and will go in this life, what other place better to be. Then wrapped up in his arms ultimately blanketed in his will.

Hmm.

I’ll wait.

But, until next time. May peace and blessings be upon you.

In Jesus Name Always.

Sincerely,

Jessica Valentina

P.S If you ever want to speak with someone about some hard truths life’s dealt or sort through some real life experiences, with a live being that’s been where you’ve been don’t hesitate. My ears are open to listen and my heart is unfasten in assisting GOD and you on this journey home in any conducive capacity. Serious + sincere inquiries please feel free to Reach me at Jt.thomas6616@gmail.com